CPGSPN - Episode 9
From cookie dough couture to chaos in Malibu, plus a $10K VC mystery and the latest shake-up in the CPG Power Rankings.
Welcome to another episode of CPGSPN.
The only sports-themed CPG newsletter where:
Power Rankings actually matter
Bad rebrands get booed off the field
Cold outreach gets sliced thinner than deli meat
…and this week?
A fuck ton of drama in CPG.
But before we begin, a huge thank you to this episode’s sponsor: Fast Track Packaging.
If you’re looking for a packaging partner with the most competitive pricing on cans in the industry, hit up Mike Bedrosian at mike@ftpackaging.ca and tell him Vasa sent you.
Entertainment X’s and O’s
Reel of the Week • Hook of the Week • AI of the Week
In Episodes 1–8, we revealed our CPG Starting Offenses and Defenses, plus our College Football Conferences (beginning with the Power 5). Each team in each conference is paired with a CPG brand, matched by founder alma mater, tailgate treats, fun puns, and more.
If you missed those breakdowns, check out our archives because they’re a real treat.
Reel of the Week 🎥
Goes to the most complete reel I came across this week. It takes into account the overall idea, the hook, overlay copy, music, and caption. And this one takes the cake… or in this case, the cookie dough.
This one stopped me in my tracks. From the “what the hell is on her feet?!” hook to the refrigerator cut that cleverly grounds the concept of cookie dough boots, stored in the fridge (because where else would you keep cookie dough?).
The unexpected and viral twist of styling cowboy boots with raw cookie dough is chef’s kiss. Who doesn’t love raw cookie dough?! (Though hopefully, no one’s eating these… unless you’re into that kinda thing 🤢).
And the overlay copy of “imagine hating me and I’m at home in my cookie cowboy boots” hits perfectly on a culturally relevant theme: people hating on others who are simply living, creating, and minding their own business.
The icing on the cake? The caption: “This town ain’t big enough.”
The cherry on top? That old-school western showdown music.
Pure creative genius.
SPOILER: Cozy Cookies is not playing around
Now the real question: how can you apply this level of creativity to your brand?
Hook of the Week 🪝
Goes to the opening three seconds of a video that stopped me in my tracks. It’s judged on scroll-stopping power, originality, and how quickly it connects to the viewer’s “why should I care?” instinct.
This week’s pick? I can’t find it anywhere in my saved albums. Ugh. So I’m going to describe it.
It featured a cartoon man jumping out of a spaceship just beyond Earth’s atmosphere. The narrator shared rapid-fire scientific facts about how fast he’d be falling and what would happen if a space rock hit him. Then came the perfect twist. Gravity pulled his body down toward Earth, landing directly in front of a restaurant’s storefront. The transition was flawless. I immediately clicked into the profile to see if there was a location near me.
Imagine using a concept like this to promote your next retailer launch. 😏
AI of the Week 🤖
Goes to the most impressive use of AI in organic or paid social that I came across this week. It takes into account creativity, execution, usefulness, and how seamlessly the tech supports storytelling or strategy. This one is a game changer IMO.
Although I think it would hit harder if it were a real human, this one completely caught me off guard. Like the Reel of the Week, it’s totally outlandish in the best way. There is a real wave of chaos marketing hitting the industry right now. Brands are throwing out the playbook, and I am here for it.
This brand, SAUZ, took the tried and true GRWM format from the UGC cosmetics world and applied it to none other than pasta sauce. Nothing like getting your retinol from marinara. All jokes aside, I love this execution, and the AI even seemed to have the correct number of fingers.
Bravo, Sauz. Bravo.
Moving on to something that shocked me more than the videos above...
Hall of Fame (or Lame?) 🏆
The Interrupterbater
Verdict: Lame
This one went down at Founderland, an event in Malibu hosted by the team behind Force Brands and The Family Fund. The scene was perfect (but hot as hell). Light breeze, sharp minds, and rare access to big players, awesome founders, and top retailers.
One of those players? A Whole Foods executive just casually taking meetings with founders. Everyone waited their turn. Some for an hour. I waited two.
I hate bugging people, and that is often to my own detriment.
Finally, I approach him.
“Hey, I hope this isn’t rude, but can I have 30 seconds of your time?”
He smiles. “You can have more than that. Have a seat.”
We sit at a table on the deck right across from each other.
We chat. Everything’s flowing. He knows about Perfy. We’re vibing on our weight loss (and weight gain) journeys. Then out of nowhere… another founder walks up. No hesitation. No awareness. No sense of timing. Just boom. Launches straight into his pitch right in the middle of our conversation.
He tries to hand the exec two other flavors.
The Whole Foods exec goes silent.
I can feel him thinking, “Is this really happening?”
The founder keeps going. He’s pitching, handing over samples, talking faster. The exec finally says, “I took one. I’ll try it tomorrow. But I can’t take all three.”
But the founder doesn’t stop. He keeps pushing those two other flavors. Then he asks for the exec’s phone number. The exec, clearly uncomfortable, says,
“I’ll never answer. Please take my email. It’s Blank.Blank@wholefoods.com”
The founder keeps pushing. When they try to “tap phones” and it doesn’t work, the founder says, “Can I just take a picture of your phone?”
At this point, the Whole Foods exec looks like he’s trying to teleport out of the situation. He finally insists on an email, and the founder walks away. No apology. No acknowledgment. Nothing.
It’s honestly why I hate going to CPG networking events.
The whole thing lasted maybe five minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Five minutes with a badass, multi-decade Whole Foods exec that I’ll never get back.
A lot of people paid good money to be at that event. I sure did. And it’s meetings like those that make it worth it. But when greedy, rude founders cross the line, it ruins it for everyone.
Lesson of the week: Read the room. Respect the moment. And never, ever be that founder.
For the record, it was draining, but fun. And I loved meeting new people. Like Akash Raju from Glimpse.
Moving along to happier things…like the CPG Power Rankings
The CPG Power Rankings - Week 9 📈
Reminder: this is how the Power Rankings work.
The List
1. Chobani (⬆️ 8 Spots): Raised $650M, bringing its valuation to $20B. They’re on a completely different level and playing field.
2. Liquid Death (⬇️1 Spot): After eight straight weeks at the top, LD finally drops a spot. Still elite, still hilarious, still everywhere. But for once, someone else has the bigger headline.
3. Bloom (⬇️1 Spot): Dominating the wellness category with aesthetics, consistency, and community. Their brand flywheel keeps spinning, and it’s still converting at scale. And they just announced that they sold over 100M cans of Bloom Pop in less than a year. WILD.
4. Olipop (⬇️1 Spot): They’re staying quiet but impactful lately, it seems. Solid execution at NACS, and you can’t DM an influencer or email an investor who isn’t associated somehow. CRIPESSSS!
5. Magic Spoon: Launched Treats into Publix this week.
6. Legendary Foods (⬆️ 1 Spot): Their new protein mac and cheese keeps the innovation energy alive while doubling down on macro-friendly comfort food.
7. Chomps (⬆️ 1 Spot): Their new facility gives them serious operational muscle heading into 2026.
8. Graza (⬇️ 2 Spots): Still one of the most beloved brands in CPG, but they drop two spots because of LF and Chomps.
9. Grüns (⬇️ 5 Spots): Taking some online heat for pricing strategy and value perception. Still a CPG darling, but the brand needs to regain control of the narrative.
10. Bachan’s (NEW): Fresh off a brand refresh, expanding distribution, and exploring an exit, Bachan’s continues to grow from cult favorite to mainstream staple.
🔁 Recap: Chobani shakes up the top of the board, Bachan’s cracks the Top 10 for the first time, and 1st Phorm falls out of the rankings again.
Tea Time 🫖
Shopline Bling?
Disclaimer: The observations shared in this segment are based on industry chatter and public information. They are intended for commentary and discussion, not as verified claims or accusations.
There are VCs out there who are only investing in brands under the condition that they migrate from Shopify to Shopline.
The crazier part? They are dropping $10K checks.
Ten grand can be meaningful for some brands, but in the grand scheme of things, it does not move the needle. It is more of an angel check than a VC one.
I don’t understand it. But I have a hunch.
They are treating that $10K as an acquisition cost, preying on cash-needy founders with DTC-heavy models that will eventually drive more shareholder value to their alleged stake in Shopline than the cost of the investment itself.
Certain high-level stakeholders at Shopline may or may not have previous or current ties with the VCs in question.
Is that even legal? I have no idea.
What I do know is this. No investor should require a portfolio company to use a suboptimal platform for any check size or dollar amount. Their job is to set founders up for success, not force them into a platform that benefits someone else’s bag.
Moving on to Cold Cuts…
COLD CUTS!!! 🐖
Cold Cuts is where cold outreach goes to get praised or sliced into deli meat!
Normally, this is where I dismantle bad outreach and give my $0.02 on how it could have been better. But today, I am flipping it. This one is for anyone who gets spammed across social, email, and even text.
No, this is not a sponsored post. This is an organic “best $20 a month purchase I have made in years” post.
The company is called Aura. They charge $20 for you and a partner, or $12.99 for just you.
What they do:
They filter all unknown texts into a Spam Folder inside your text app. Those 10 spam-filtered numbers that used to blow up your phone? Gone from your notifications.
They filter unknown callers in the Aura app, where you can approve them or keep them quarantined.
They clear your personal information from search engines and the dark web, alert you to compromised passwords, and even request your info be removed from data broker sites.
You still have to do a few things manually, but Aura tells you exactly where to go and how to fix each one.
DRUMROLL PLEASE…🥁
Overall Grade on a Scale of Prosciutto de Parma to Bologna:
GRADE: Prosciutto de Parma 🏆
Moving on to CPG Fantasy Football…
CPG Fantasy Football Scoreboard - Weeks 1-6
This was an awful idea. We have to manually search the interwebs for every single scoring play for 40 different teams/brands! AHAHA Yahoo! Fantasy, please help!
We’ll get you an updated scoreboard in 3025.
But, as a reminder, here are the rules, scoring system, and draft board if you’re interested in what we’re cooking. Who do you think is winning?
Movement From Around The League 🏈
Roster shakeups, personnel changes, and more!
SIGNED: As first reported by Drew Fallon of Iris, Liquid Death hires former Health-Ade CFO, Ricky Khetarpaul.
SIGNED: Big Tree Farms signs Restricted Free Agent, Eric Strickland, away from Fly By Jing.
Waiver Wire ☎️
Teams scouring the wire for playmakers that can make an immediate impact!
Pressed Juicery (STILL LOOKING): VP, Paid & Performance Marketing ($200k-$260k/year Hybrid, Culver City, CA)
Meta: Director, Consumer Website Marketing ($236k-$306k/year, Menlo Park, CA)
Instagram: Head of Consumer Product Marketing - Instagram Sharing, Messaging, and AI ($189k-$258k/year, New York, NY)
MORE CONTENT - Fast Break and Perfy’s Food Chained Podcast
Catch reruns of Fast Break (our CPGSPN Opinion Column) below. I’ve written about:
Catch Food Chained below or wherever you stream your favorite shows (Spotify, Apple, etc.).
That’s it for this week. Catch you next Thursday!
Good morning. Good afternoon. And good night.
– The Commish