CPGSPN - Episode 6
Fantasy CPG Football, ways to win with NIL in CPG (plus Celebrity Pilfered Goods and a Legendary revival in the Power Rankings)
Welcome to another episode of CPGSPN. The only sports-themed CPG newsletter where Power Rankings matter, bad rebrands get booed off the field, cold outreach gets sliced thinner than deli meat…and this week, the FIRST-EVER Fantasy CPG Football League kicks off!
Entertainment X’s and O’s - CPG x NIL
After revealing our starting offense and defense in Episodes 1–2, and launching the SEatC, Mac-12, and B1G Bev in 3–5, we’re calling a timeout from conference talk this week to focus on fantasy NIL in CPG.
CPG x NIL Marketing
College football’s Best Names of 2025 just hit the CPG transfer portal, and we’re lining them up with the perfect brands to maximize their NIL bag.
From Indiana Jones to King Large to Squirrel White, these names are already game-ready. Now it’s just about which brand signs the dotted line first.
King Large → Pork King Good: It’s a good thing that King Large is an Offensive Lineman. If he were a Punter, he’d have to change his name to King Schmedium (hehe). Pork King Good gets the nod here with their Puggets and Pork Rinds.
Squirrel White → French Squirrel: Some say Mr. White is “twitchy,” referring to fast-twitch muscles. Some might also say he’s Squirrely. I’ll take my dad jokes to the bank. You, Mr. Squirrel, make a nest in French Squirrel’s DMs.
Legend Journey → Legendary Foods: I have Sam Tinnesz playing on repeat as I write this. A California company and a Cal Defensive End are a match made in heaven. I wonder how many Tasty Pastries Legend can take down in one day of his journey.
Alpha Khan → Prime Bites: Prime Bites recently dropped the “Alpha” in their name, but that shouldn’t stop Alpha Khan from hitting PRIME TIME in their DMs on Instagram.
Nitro Tuggle → Rise Brewing Co.: Nitro really should have a lot of options brewing in his NIL bag at this point. But, I’d probably start at Rise Brewing Co. and then spam any and all companies selling Nitro Cold Brew…especially near UTSA in San Anton’.
Da’Realyst Clark → Realsy: This one could be considered a Hail Mary, but what college athlete wouldn’t want a dorm full of peanut butter-filled dates? I think Da’Realyst would like to be on the receiving end of that. The campaign tagline? Dates in the End Zone. Write that down.
Panda Askey → Kanpai Foodz: Kanpai Pandas is a Web3 project that’s still kicking and doing great things IRL. Kanpai Foodz is a freeze-dried candy company that’s THE CASE STUDY when it comes to building brands on the back of organic social. Panda Askew should be in both of their DMs.
Dude Person → Dude Wipes: Just dudes doing dude things. This isn’t even low-hanging fruit for Dude Wipes. They can do this one in their sleep. Make it happen!
Rocky Beers → Garage Beer: Back in college, I would’ve changed my name to this for a rack of Natty Light and a table at the hookah bar. Today, I’m just happy to be involved in this conversation. Cheers to you, Rocky!
Moh Bility → Hyperice: If there ever was a poster child for a company whose soul mission is “to help everyone on Earth move better,” it’s Moh Bility. Get out the checkbook, have him do the Jean Claude Van Damme splits, and print money. Please, and thank you.
Demon Clowney → Liquid Death: It has yet to be determined if Demon Clowney is on “Demon time” because of his style of play or because of his absolute abuse of the NCAA transfer portal. Still seems like Liquid Death has some low-hanging fruit here, though.
Pig Cage → 4505 Meats: This sounds like a descendant of Nicolas Cage and a movie of his all at once. 4505 Meats is getting the nod here for obvious reasons.
Indiana Jones → Better Brand: Alright, this one is my favorite…and it’s my last Better Brand joke. I promise! Because it’s going to take a person brave enough to risk their life searching for The Holy Grail to find Aimee Yang…just like young Indiana here.
Which brand/athlete combo is your favorite NIL marketing layup waiting to happen?
Next week: We visit the Atlantic Cuisine Conference (ACC)…for real this time.
Hall of Fame (or Lame?) 🏆
Verdict: Fame
This week, the University of Idaho Vandals Football Team announced its limited edition Fightin’ Taters helmet in partnership with Field Rush. It’s not just a custom helmet, it’s an homage to the food Idaho is most known for…potatoes.
And who doesn’t love potatoes?! They’re the most consumed vegetable in America.
To me, this looks like an opportunity for an emerging brand like Jesse & Bens to participate in the conversation.
Your move, Jesse and Ben. 🥔
I’m hoping Maryland rolls out their Fightin’ Lobster Rolls helmet next!
The CPG Power Rankings - Week 6 📈
Reminder: this is how the Power Rankings work.
The List
1. Liquid Death: No change
2. Olipop: No change
3. Grüns (⬆️ 1 spot): Their new flavor name alone is enough to move up in the rankings. But Shop App leaking it day(s) early…we’ll turn a blind eye to it. Grüns launching Grünny Smith Apple as a seasonal flavor makes me excited to receive my order, but sad that it likely won’t be available for long. Let’s hope it graduates to a full-time flavor.
4. Bloom (⬇️ 1 spot): Bloom drops one spot as Grüns releases new LTO flavor.
5. Magic Spoon: No change
6. Legendary Foods (⬆️ 2 spots): Epic coverage in Forbes this week. So many people were caught up giving Peter Rahal his flowers for David (after RxBar’s exit), that they forgot that Ron sold Quest for $1B cash and is on the path to sell his second protein-packed company for $1B+ as well.
7. Graza (⬇️ 1 spot): Making way for Legendary
8. Chomps (⬇️ 1 spot): Making way for Legendary
9. 1st Phorm (⬆️1 spot): Due to aura farming
10. IQ Bar (⬇️ 1 spot): Due to not aura farming
🔁 Recap: Grüns and Bloom switch spots in a tightly contested give and take. Legendary surges while 7-10 play hokey pokey.
Tea Time 🫖
Celebrity Pilfered Goods
There’s something peculiar that happens when founders talk fundraising with other founders. More often than not, someone says, “I know a guy.”
And next thing you know, an intro gets made.
You’d think that if you tell someone, “I’m raising money,” the person they introduce you to would be… you know… interested in investing.
Not in my case.
This person sold me services.
Over $50,000 in services.
Now, it’s not just that I was pitched sales support at a time when I needed capital, not expenses. That’s frustrating enough.
What really got me? I shared the origin story of Perfy’s original tagline.
It was 2022. Perfy’s tagline was “for a happy brain.”
We were pitching at a comp where Coca-Cola was in the room. After my pitch, a Coke exec pulled me aside and said:
“You nailed the flavor profiles. This makes my taste buds happy, too. Change it to ‘for a happy you.’”
So I went back to my hotel and trademarked “for a happy you!” And I was on Cloud 9. In my mind, I was like:
“Holy shit! Coke helped me out?!”
The services group I told this story to? They loved it.
Little did I know that they were engaged with another brand that makes a somewhat similar drink, also focused on brain health. A Celebrity-backed brand with pretty legendary founders and an enormous reach.
And as you‘d have it, this celebrity-backed brand happened to be going through a rebrand…
See where I’m going here?
And sure enough, the celebrity brand’s rebranded tagline is “for a happy mind.”
To be clear: I hold no ill will toward the brand or its founders. They’re doing their thing.
But that services group? Par for the CPG course.
This is the game we play. Stuff like this happens more often than you'd think. And there’s really not much you can do about it except take the hit and keep on going.
Rocky Balboa said it best:
"It ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward—that's how winning is done"
Speaking of moving forward…
That brings us to:
COLD CUTS!!! 🐖
Cold Cuts is where cold outreach goes to get praised or sliced into deli meat!
We’re all in luck! No shitty cold emails found us well this week.
But we do have…
DRUMROLL PLEASE 🥁🥁🥁
Growthbuster had the FIRST EVER Fantasy CPG Football Draft!
And here’s how it works:
Five teams
EACH TEAM CONSISTS OF THE FOLLOWING LINEUP:
Salty
Sweet
Beverage
Supplement
Sauce
Flex (salty, sweet, beverage, supplement, or sauce)
Kicker - smaller brand < $5M if public knowledge
D/ST - exited/public brand
No bench players
SCORING
Exit - 1/10 of a point per dollar
Fundraise - 1/10 of a point per dollar raised
Retail Launch (National) - 1 point per door
Retail Launch (Regional) - .5 points per door
New Product Launch - 100 points per product
Branded Collaboration Product - 500 points
And here’s how the draft went. Who do you think is taking home the cake?!
Movement From Around The League 🏈
Roster shakeups, personnel changes, and more!
FREE AGENT: Nate “The Legend” Lagos has officially declined his 5th-year player option with Original Grain. He now hits the open market as a free agent, with league insiders expecting him to sign with a title contender in the coming weeks. Where’s he taking his talents next?
WAIVER WIRE: Cody Wittick just announced that Kynship is hitting the waiver wire, looking to sign a Growth Strategist to its 53-man roster for Week 1.
WAIVER WIRE: Drew Fallon is hitting the waiver wire, looking to fill the open Head of Growth spot for Iris Finance’s Week 1 roster.
ACQUIRED: Brian Blum has made it to the promised land. His content studio, Nibble, has been acquired by The Bluebird Group. Not many new franchises make it to the big dance. Brian did it in 20 months. Cheers to everyone involved, and enjoy your time at Disney World!
WAIVER WIRE: Former Co-Founder of Morning Brew, Austin Rief, has officially hit the waiver wire. Word around the league is he’s looking to fill one of his PortCo’s open COO roster spot before Week 1 kickoff.
SIGNED: Aaron Orendorff has just inked a Veteran Super-Max deal with the Operators Network. The accomplished vet has already raised banners in both conferences with Shopify Common Thread Collective and most recently at FERMÀT. This signing shakes up the league and puts Operators firmly in the dynasty conversation.
MORE CONTENT - Perfy’s Food Chained Podcast
That’s it for this week. Catch you next Thursday at Noon Pacific!
Good morning. Good afternoon. And good night.
– The Commish